Breaking up with Mark...


Dear Mark,

I was going to write a love letter telling you not to let any of the "ass kissing" jokes, retirement of Fireman Ed and 3rd string comments get to you. But as my Pandora plays “November Rain” in the background, I’ve thought about it-- I've been pretty supportive during this 3-almost-4-year relationship we've had, but I think we may need to take a break.

I can recall the first day I laid eyes on you like it was yesterday...September 13, 2009 - the day after my 21st birthday…OK -- maybe it's a little fuzzy. 



You made your starting QB debut and led the Jets to a 24-7 victory against the Texans and my god you looked good doing it. Jets Nation wasn't exactly hopeful for an amazing season that year but I had faith in you - for better or for worse right?  We had a good start the first 3 games, then came a rough patch with New Orleans and that damn hot dog incident. Seriously Mark? I know stadium hot dogs are good and all but can't you wait until after the game? Rookie mistake -- I let it slide. 

Well, we made it to the playoffs and at this point I was competing with every woman in the tri-state area for your attention. Understandably so, it's been a while since we had a nice tall dark and handsome QB to root for. (God knows Eli isn't revving any housewives’ engines.) But while everyone else was busy putting Sanchez jerseys on their Christmas lists, I decided to play hard to get and let you prove you're worth spending $100.00 on. 

The next season we had our ups & downs. I'd scream vile things at you when you threw an interception, and you'd come back to break a sack and make me feel bad for being so harsh. Then there was that time I went to a 1 o'clock game, cracked my first beer at 9am and ended up being so drunk I cheered when the Dolphins scored a touchdown (in my defense you were wearing Titans throwback jerseys). God I felt like such a slop tart. How could I embarrass you like that? Well you got back at me by dating a child. That’s what you call someone who isn’t even old enough to vote right? I forgave you. We all make bad decisions sometimes, hell I went on a date with someone I met on MySpace once. 

Then came Twitter.

I was following you and laughing at all the #creepyguyfaketexting pictures you would post and retweet from your followers. I thought you were perfect – sense of humor, interacting with fans, and best of all you seemed so down to earth. Buttttt then there was that little cyber bully incident. Not cool Mark, not cool. I was bullied once…in 7th grade for being the only 13yr old not shaving my legs yet. It was awful…until I got the last laugh in Atlantic City years later when the same guy from intermediate school tried buying me a drink with a pick-up line something to the effect of “Wow, Kristin you look so different now…” ohh you mean because I shaved my legs and got rid of my braces? 

You apologized to the twitter world and again I forgave you. Then you started following me. What a romantic gesture. I texted all my girlfriends (who were obviously jealous) and started planning our wedding. God we’d have cute kids. It’d be perfect. Then you pretty much disappeared from the social media scene. It hurt that you wouldn’t be reading my sarcastic and sometimes dumb tweets in your timeline, but I knew you had more important things on your plate. 

Last season when Rex picked up Tebow my heart sank.

How could they do this to my Mark? Ok maybe they wanted to light a fire under your butt, I get it, but to create that kind of tension in the locker room? Ughhh! That was the last thing you needed. I heard your comments on Tebow, I heard your teammates’ comments, and I knew this was going to blow up into a fiasco. So what did I do? I traded in my No. 77 Jenkins jersey for a No. 6. You finally earned it in my eyes and by golly if that means spending $100.00 to support my man, I was going to do it. I even contemplated going to jail for smacking some of the children booing you and yelling “Put Tebow in!” at a game earlier this season. Where the hell are their parents? Don’t they know you are someone’s child too?!?! How would they feel if I was yelling that their kid sucked at life and should be fired? Freakin’ animals – this is MetLife not Medieval Times.

I stood up for you when everyone else, even my boss, was screaming for Jesus…I mean Tebow. And how do you reward my faithfulness? I find out you are cheating on me with Eva Longoria! How in the hell am I supposed to compete with that?!?!? Well Karma is a bitch and happens to be on my side. You two broke up and then you had a horrible birthday. Serves you right, I hope you learned your lesson.

Well obviously you didn’t, considering you decided to embarrass me in front of the entire family (and country for that matter) on Thanksgiving.

Couldn’t you have picked a less watched game to stick your head up someone else’s ass? Really Mark, I’ve been supporting you and potentially harming myself in the process since day one. Do you know how many hours I spent in the library refreshing my EPSN app to keep tabs on the game instead of studying for finals? Or how about the times I laid in the tanning bed doing the same thing, exposing my delicate eyes to the cataract-causing lamps? My night vision has gone to shit thanks to you. You know when you are drunk and feel like throwing up and crying all at the same time? Well that was me on Thanksgiving. I tried so hard not to let my turkey and stuffing make its way back into the world via my utter disgust for what I was watching. It was like an Adam Sandler movie, starring none other than my beloved. And yes, we all do dumb things sometimes. I squirted super glue in my eye once, hell I even went to the ER insisting I had appendicitis only to have the doctor tell me 3 hours later that it was just gas. It’s OK, I forgave you, but the difference is your stupid mistakes are broadcast all over the world and your team is based in the biggest media hub of a city out there.

I’m sorry, I can’t keep doing this, I can’t continue on this roller coaster we’ve been calling a “relationship”. I’ll still be at your game in Nashville, 7 rows from the Titans sideline, but I’m sorry babe, I won’t be sporting a No. 6 jersey. I have faith in you, but I think it’s time we take a break.

As Axl so poetically puts it… 

“When your fears subside, and shadows still remain, 
I know that you can love me, when there’s no one left to blame.
So never mind the darkness. We still can find a way. 
Nothing lasts forever. Even cold November rain."

- xoxo


4 comments:

  1. haha love this .. you're a great writer

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  2. This is a great article, well written and funny haha. I skimmed some of your other articles, you are a great writer, i will def follow this blog. I'm writing sports on my blog as well. My blog is http://tylerashsportsblog.blogspot.com/ ... would love if yo check it out and possibly follow it.

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  3. Terrific article. I guess when Mark officially became Buttfumble the love affair was over?

    I am a long suffering Jets fan so I feel your pain.

    Phil

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